How to be More Resilient: Be the Buoy!

Given the stress we’re all swimming in these days, resilience is a really important and timely topic. Resilience prevents burnout. It makes life feel easier and much more sustainable. And the good news is, it’s a skill we can build! So let’s talk about how.

Resilience is being able to bob back up to the surface when something heavy pulls you down. I picture a buoy, dragged underwater and weighed down by the heaviness of the moment, then throwing off the weight and bobbing back up. Buoys can do that because they’re full of air.

That’s nice for buoys, but how do we stay afloat when there is so much dragging us down?

To be resilient, we have to a) detach from the weights dragging us down and b) have the air to bob back up.

Let’s start with identifying what drags us down: the stress of our jobs, having to make dinner and do all the things after the exhaustion of our workday, hard relationships, not having enough money or time, and worry about our kids or our parents are just a few examples. Then add in the guilt and shame we constantly feel because we’re not doing all the things the way we think we “should” be doing them. Then throw on the awful weight of current events. Add a dash of helplessness and overwhelm, and we’re at most people’s baseline. Feeling heavy yet?

So much of regular life is heavy or stressful. And then something extra stressful happens – we lose our job, someone gets sick, our car breaks down, someone is mad at us, we lose our healthcare – and we can sink to the bottom and stay there.

If we’re resilient, we don’t stay down very long. We work our way back up to the surface, where things feel lighter, more hopeful. But first we have to notice that we’re underwater. For some people, it is obvious. They’re exhausted and lack cognitive clarity and feel anxious all the time. Others don’t realize how depleted and underwater they are, like a frog being slow-boiled.

If you’re in the second group, it can help to make a routine of noticing what stressors are taking up space in your head or your emotions. Notice when you last felt light. Notice when you last did the things you enjoy.

When you’re aware that you’re underwater, there are two things you need to do to build your resilience: The first is to work on detaching from the weights. 

Does that mean we’re supposed to stop having stress and worries and broken cars? No, we don’t have that kind of power. But we can change how much we attach to the heaviness of those things by changing how much we focus on them.

The stress of work, the exhaustion of figuring out dinner, the worry about money – all of that is valid and real, and you can focus on the heaviness of it less. To focus on the heavy stuff less, focus on the air more. You can have work stress, but instead of putting all your focus on it, you can also feel excited about your painting class. You can remind yourself to think about your class more often and lean into the excitement you feel about it.

When your mother-in-law is condescending yet again, you can feel hurt and also focus on your curiosity about why she’s so mean. Focusing on curiosity will drag you down less. You will be more resilient if, when your car breaks down, you focus on reminding yourself that in a few months you will have enough money for a more reliable car.

The second step to building your resilience is to build up your supply of air. When you’ve been depleted and dragged under, you need to have something(s) to turn to that will nourish you and start to fill you back up. It doesn’t have to be big; mostly it will be lots of little things. This is your air.

So start by identifying what gives you air. What is it that gives you the motivation and the energy to push yourself back up to the surface?

When I ask myself this question – what gives us air? – I come up with a list: delight, awe, curiosity, openness, an abundance mindset, purpose, self-care, rest, alone time, connection, self-acceptance, a growth mindset, creativity, mindfulness, fulfillment, meaning, determination, play, gratitude, strong goals, nature, and love, among many other possibilities.

Looking at this list, it’s clear that our air is about our mindset and our actions. The good news is, those are things we can change! We can become more mindful or more curious. We can work on approaching our day with awe. We can learn how to have a growth mindset. We can build a self-care routine or play more. We can spend more time with people or rest more. We can identify what makes it worth it to keep trying. We can take small steps every day to increase our air.

It’s not remotely easy to do any of this resilience-building at first, but it becomes a reasonable task once you get the hang of it. If you only focus on the heavy stuff, you will for sure feel weighed down. If you focus more on the air, you will bob up. That’s how the brain works – it does more of whatever you focus on. To improve your resilience, you have to prioritize your air.

Burnout comes from losing all your air, losing your energy and your motivation. Resilience comes from being able to hold onto and see your air, even when things are heavy. Resilience is knowing that you can handle the heavy stuff, that the heaviness of the heavy stuff won’t last, and that you have other stuff that feels good to focus on.

To put this into practice: thinking about the last couple of days, identify the things that have been weighing you down. Then, going forward, when you find yourself focusing on them in a heavy way, I want you to shift your focus. Go back up to that list of what gives us air and identify 3-5 things you want to focus on more.

Identify mindsets and actions that feel supportive, energizing, and helpful. What do you need to change about what you expect of yourself, how you talk to yourself, or how you see the world? What do you need to change about how you treat yourself or how you spend your time? How can you prioritize your air?

You can increase your resilience, even in these incredibly stressful and trying times. Notice when you’re getting pulled under, focus on your air, and pop back up. Building up practices that will keep you focused on your air will help you from getting pulled under for too long. 

To misquote Chevy Chase: “Be the buoy!”